Introduction
Last week, we embarked on a journey, one that leads us to get to know the closest companion we’ll ever have — ourselves. We explored the foundational concept of being your own best friend. We touched on the art of self-compassion, the power of positive self-talk, and the joy of embracing our true needs and desires.
But how do we build this? How do we ensure that the seeds of friendship we plant with ourselves grow into something lasting and fulfilling? That’s where the deeper practices of self-friendship come in. Today, we’ll delve into routines and rituals that can help you develop a strong, healthy relationship with yourself. We’ll discover how to weave self-appreciation into the fabric of our daily lives and how to consistently choose ourselves, not out of selfishness, but out of self-respect.
Elements of Strong Relationships
When we think about the relationships that truly enrich our lives, they often have a few things in common, and these aren’t just whimsical ideas, they are grounded in philosophy. As discussed in episode 108, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy highlights mutual caring, intimacy, and shared activity as the core requirements of friendship.
Let’s start with mutual caring. When we apply this to self-friendship, it becomes an inward compassion, a nurturing voice that encourages and comforts. Ask yourself, when was the last time you truly listened to your own needs? Caring for yourself is about more than just the occasional treat; it’s a consistent practice of considering your well-being with every decision you make, just as you would for a friend that you deeply cherish.
Next is intimacy. It’s easy to think of intimacy as something we share with others, but self-intimacy is just as vital. It’s the courage to look within, to explore your inner world. How often do you give yourself the chance to explore your emotions, your deepest longings, and fears? Intimacy with oneself can be as simple as asking “What am I feeling right now?””, a nightly reflection, a quiet moment of honesty at the end of the day, where you check in and ask, ‘How am I really doing?’
And then there’s shared activity. It’s what we do together, the experiences we share. But what does shared activity look like when it’s just you? It’s about valuing your own presence enough to spend quality time with it. That could mean leaving space in your day for you to spontaneously do what you feel like in that moment, engaging in a hobby that brings you joy, pursuing a project that excites you, or simply sitting in stillness. It’s in these activities that we find joy in our own company and celebrate our individuality.
Building A Strong Friendship with Yourself
Now, let’s go a bit deeper into specific practices that you can use to build the most enduring friendship you’ll ever experience – the one with yourself. As we consider the elements of care, intimacy, and shared activity, remember that the strength of this bond is cultivated through routine and consistency.
Routine isn’t about rigidity; it’s about establishing a rhythm that resonates with your innermost needs. It’s the consistent morning stretch, the regular quiet moment with a cup of tea, or the evening gratitude practice. These routines help you get comfortable with your own presence.
Consistency in these practices is what builds resilience. It’s the daily repetition of self-compassion exercises, like gently placing a hand over your heart when you feel overwhelmed and reminding yourself of your humanity. It’s about setting personal goals that are not just about productivity but incorporate celebration and self-care.
Imagine setting a goal to meditate for five minutes each day, not to achieve a sense of enlightenment, but simply to be present with yourself. Or perhaps, establishing a weekly check-in with yourself, as you would with a dear friend, to see how you’re feeling, what’s weighing on your mind, and what’s bringing you joy.
As you weave the three threads of caring, intimacy and personal time into your life, reflect on the richness they bring. How different would your days look if you treated yourself with the same care, intimacy, and dedication that you offer to your closest friend? Perhaps it’s time to rethink your daily routines. Can you carve out space for self-care rituals that rejuvenate you? Might you set aside time each day to connect with your inner self. This could be in a micro dose of three breaths, in mini bouts of journaling or meditation, or in larger chunks of going for a hike or getting a massage.
Here are 5 specific practices that you can use to deepen this friendship over the next week on onward:
- Build self-compassion by writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of a kind, wise friend.
- Set a personal goal that’s purely about bringing you joy – like learning a new skill that’s always intrigued you, just for the pleasure of it.
- Dedicate time each morning to reflect on one thing you are grateful for about yourself, reinforcing a positive self-image.
- Create a self-care routine that includes at least one activity you find relaxing or rejuvenating, such as a warm bath, reading, or a hobby.
- Practice saying ‘no’ to requests that overextend you, affirming your right to prioritize your time and energy.
Let us not forget, these practices of self-friendship are not acts of indulgence; they are acts of rejuvenation and growth. They allow us to transcend survival to truly live in integrity of who we are and who we want to be. They empower us to become more resilient, more empathetic, and more aligned with our authentic selves. And as we nurture this internal friendship, the benefits ripple outward, influencing how we relate to others with greater vulnerability, kindness and empathy.
Remember that the key is consistency. So, in the days ahead, be mindful of how caring for yourself, fostering intimacy with your inner being, and engaging in activities that fill you with happiness are not just good for you – they’re essential. And watch as this self-kindness begins to transform not only your relationship with yourself but with the world around you.
Self-Relationship Audit
Now that we have some idea of what it takes to practice self friendship, let’s take a moment to reflect with a self-audit quiz.
- Mutual Caring:
- How do you respond internally when you’re facing a setback or failure? Do you offer yourself understanding and encouragement?
- Reflect on what you need to feel well and happy. Are you actively working to fulfill these needs?
- Intimacy:
- Consider how you create happiness for yourself. What personal joys do you pursue that are just for you?
- When you’re alone, reflect on how you talk to yourself. Is your inner dialogue compassionate and supportive, or critical and harsh? How is it serving you?
- Shared Activity:
- Think about the last time you dedicated time to an activity that was solely for your personal enjoyment or growth. How often do these moments occur?
- When planning your week, do you schedule in activities that allow you to connect with yourself, such as hobbies, reflection, or relaxation? How often do you make time for those?
Usually there are scoring guides for quizzes but that’s not the goal here. I don’t want you to grade yourself because this audit isn’t about judgment; it’s a tool for self-awareness. What opportunities exist for you to be a better friend to yourself?
Tools for Self-Friendship
As we continue to cultivate the art of self-friendship, let’s give ourselves some tools that can help us along the way. These are not new; they are tools that keep showing up in episodes of the podcast: mindfulness, meditation, journalling. And there is one more I haven’t talked about much before – central nervous system practices. I’ll briefly explain each of them for use in self-friendship.
Mindfulness: Mindfulness is about being present in the moment, fully engaged with where we are and what we’re doing. You can incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine by starting your morning with a moment of stillness, simply observing your breath, or by paying full attention to the flavors and textures as you eat your breakfast. Right now, feel the soles of your feet where they connect with the floor or ground. These small, mindful moments can bring a profound sense of peace and grounding throughout your day.
Meditation: Now, let’s touch on meditation. This practice can help you capture moments of calm during the hustle of life. I invite you to try a simple meditation for self-awareness. Find a quiet space, sit comfortably, and close your eyes. Focus on your breath, and as thoughts arise, acknowledge them without judgment and let them go, returning your focus to your breath. Even five minutes of this practice can create bubbles of clarity and calm in your mind.
Journaling: Journaling is a powerful tool for tracking our inner landscape. It can be a space for your thoughts and emotions, a place where you can talk with yourself openly, without self-censure. Start by writing about your day, your feelings, or any thoughts that come to mind. This practice not only helps in processing emotions but also in discovering patterns and insights about yourself.
Central Nervous System Practices: Lastly, let’s talk about central nervous system exercises. These are designed to calm your fight or flight response and promote relaxation. A simple one is to practice progressive muscle relaxation — tense a group of muscles as you breathe in, and relax them as you breathe out, working your way through your body. This can be especially beneficial before sleep or during stressful moments.
I want you to notice that you can employ these tools throughout the day, in seconds or longer stretches of time.
Invitation/Challenge
My favorite practice to calm my central nervous system is to rub my hands together until they are warm, and then press my warm hands on my closed eyelids, repeating that a few time while I breathe.
Try it right now. How did you feel before, and after? Use it anytime that you need to calm yourself.
Listener Questions
For last week’s episode, I got the question “how can I keep up with self-friendship during tough times.”
This is a very good question that also relates to today’s episode. Maintaining self-friendship during challenging periods is crucial, yet it can feel daunting. In these moments, it’s essential to lean on the very practices we’ve discussed in this episode. Maybe you will only be able to do them for seconds or minutes at a time. Keep at it.
Remember, self-friendship isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence. It’s showing up for yourself, especially when times are tough, with the same compassion and dedication you would offer a dear friend in need. So, embrace these tools, not as additional tasks on your to-do list, but as essential. They will help you build the resilience to know that you can do hard things and navigate tough times.
Conclusion
As we draw this episode to a close, I want to remind you of the profound impact that nurturing a friendship with yourself can have. Use the practices in this episode to be gentler with yourself, to deepen your understanding of who you are, and to celebrate your very existence. I invite you to be mindful of your relationship with yourself. Watch how your practice transforms your relationship with yourself into one of the most significant relationships you’ll ever experience. As you cultivate kindness within, you’ll find it naturally flows outward, touching those around you.
Building a strong relationship with oneself is a journey that requires patience and consistency. So, be patient with yourself, and be consistent with your practices of self-friendship.
In the next episode, we’ll look at the strengths and weaknesses of our self-friendships. Until then, take care of yourself, and cultivate that friendship that’s just waiting for you.
You can connect with Damianne on the Changes BIG and small website, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube. You’re also invited to join the Changes BIG and small Facebook community.
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Credits
- Theme music by Rafael Krux. Inspiration on freepd.com. License: CC0
- Cover Photo by Baran Lotfollahi on Unsplash
- Script edited by ChatGPT
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