Introduction
In the first two episodes of this series, we laid the groundwork by understanding what it means to be your own best friend and developing tools to nurture this inner bond. We’ve celebrated the art of self-compassion and the rituals that enrich our daily lives.
But like any meaningful relationship, our connection with ourselves is multi-layered. So now we’re going to reflect on our inner strengths and our weaknesses, incorporating the courage to grow and the grace to accept.
Assessing Self-Relationship
In the quiet moments, many of us encounter a voice that speaks – sometimes with the warmth of a friend, other times with the sting of a critic. Actually, for some of us, that voice is relentless. In other cases, it’s quieter. To assess our self-relationship is to listen to that voice with an open heart and a discerning ear.
Let’s begin this self-assessment by asking ourselves some probing questions.
- How do you celebrate your victories?
- What size of victories do you consider worthy of celebration?
- When do you acknowledge your progress?
- How does the way that you treat yourself compare with the enthusiasm and pride that you offer others?
Now, let’s focus on those moments of challenge. When you stumble or have a setback, what does that inner voice say? Is it a coach looking more objectively at what happened to help you make sense or it, is it evasive or defensive, or is it a judge delivering a harsh sentence?
At one point, I had the dysfunctional habit of pretending that people who upset me did not exist. I thought it was fine until I realized that I was also ignoring the parts of me that I didn’t like or being really mean to it (to myself). I realized that the way I treated others was a reflection of my own inner dialogue with myself, and in fact, I had it even worse.
Understanding our self-relationship means recognizing the inner dialogues that uplift us, as well as those that pull us down. It’s about discerning the patterns that emerge in how we treat ourselves both in times of joy and stress.
Identifying Strengths
Let’s start by identifying our strengths. I’m starting here because I know that many of you, like me, are really good at cataloging your weaknesses but struggle to identify your strengths. I assure you that you have some. It’s a matter of recognizing them. Your strengths are the aspects of yourself that you can rely on, the traits that we can celebrate and draw upon in times of need.
Consider the resilience you’ve shown in the face of adversity. Think about the times you’ve bounced back, the inner fortitude that got you through. That resilience is a testament to your strength.
Now reflect on your capacity for joy, awe and wonder, your ability to savor life’s pleasures. When was the last time you laughed, felt genuine contentment, or appreciated a simple pleasure? These moments are indicators of a strength that often goes unnoticed — the strength to embrace and generate joy. Go and listen to episode 146 if you need some help.
Next, ponder the love and care you extend to those around you. This compassion is not a one-way street; it mirrors your ability to care for yourself. You may be out of practice but you have this capacity. It’s a strength that nurtures both your own soul and the souls of others.
And let’s not forget the wisdom you’ve gained from each experience, each decision, and each reflection. This wisdom guides you and shapes your journey. In episode 148, I talk to Catherine Andrews about intuition, which may be one of your strengths.
Each of these strengths is a building block of a robust self-relationship. They are the qualities that make you uniquely you, and they are worth recognizing and cherishing. So, as you move through your days, take time to acknowledge and appreciate these strengths. Make sure that you use them to build an ever-stronger friendship with yourself.
Confronting Weaknesses
We also need to look at the other side of the coin and encounter our weaknesses. These are not failings, but rather areas where we may want to pay more attention.
Perhaps you’ve noticed a tendency toward self-criticism, a voice that’s quick to point out flaws. Recognize this as a chance to cultivate a gentler, more forgiving inner dialogue.
Maybe you’ve struggled with self-care, often putting others’ needs before your own. This is an invitation to set boundaries and to prioritize your well-being.
Consider, too, the difficulty you may have in expressing your needs or standing up for your own space. These moments are opportunities to assert your worth and to practice self-advocacy. They could even be an opportunity to be vulnerable and not judge your vulnerability.
As we examine these weaknesses, we learn not to berate ourselves but to show up for ourselves with understanding and patience. Maybe what you really want to hear is “I see all of you and I love you. I see all of you and I’m not going anywhere”. Are you able to say this to yourself with genuine care and affection?
Balancing the Scales
You might be tempted to weigh your strengths and weaknesses. This can be another opportunity to hurt yourself. Resist the temptation. Instead, focus on making your strengths even stronger. Think about how they can help you with some of your weaker areas.
Your strengths are counterweights to your weaknesses. You don’t have to be perfect. I think this bears repeating. Don’t strive to be perfect. Instead, understand that your weaknesses do not define you and they are often trying to help you in some way. By applying the wisdom gained from our strengths, we can gently deepen our relationship with ourselves. Don’t worry about the scale. Just activate your strengths to keep showing up for yourself as a best friend and you will see how it empowers you to live the life you want.
Invitation/Challenge
Reflect on the balance of your self-talk. Is there a harmony between encouragement and accountability? Does your self-dialogue propel you forward or hold you back?
As we proceed, remember this isn’t about casting judgment on ourselves; it’s about cultivating awareness and paving the way for growth. No growth happens without self acceptance, and that starts but knowing exactly where we are. So, as we peel back the layers, let’s do so with kindness, as we would for a dear friend we’re getting to know even better.
Listener Question
How can I better recognize when I’m not treating myself with kindness, and what should be my first step to change that?
One key to recognizing when you’re not treating yourself with kindness is to notice your emotional responses. If you’re feeling more stressed, anxious, or down than usual, these can be signs of self-critical behavior. The first step to change is awareness. When you catch yourself being unkind, pause, take a few deep breaths, and ask, ‘Would I say this to someone I love?’ Then, reframe the thought in a compassionate way, as if you’re talking to a dear friend. This can help shift your perspective and foster a gentler approach to self-talk.
Actionable Steps
So once again, let’s look at actionable steps to use our strengths in our self-relationship.
Here are some practices to integrate into your life:
- Acknowledge and Note: Each morning, write down one strength and how you can use it in an area that you feel challenged. This sets the tone for mindful awareness throughout your day.
- Affirmation and Counteraction: For every self-critical thought that arises, come up with 5 examples of how you’re using your strengths.
- Self-Care Scheduling: Block out time in your calendar for self-care, whether it’s 15 minutes or an hour, and treat this time as non-negotiable.
- Boundary Setting Exercise: Practice saying ‘no’ to small things that don’t align with your well-being to build the muscle for larger boundaries.
- Self-Celebration Ritual: At the end of each week, celebrate your victories.
Conclusion
Remember that the journey of self-relationship is ongoing and ever-evolving. Embrace the strengths that light your path and approach your weaknesses with compassion.
As you engage these concepts in your own life, share with me on Instagram how you’ve used your strengths to deepen your relationship with yourself. Let us know the steps you’ve taken to celebrate your victories, big and small, and how you’ve set boundaries to honor your well-being.
In the next episode, we’ll delve into what wellness means for each of us, how we can define it for ourselves, and the ways we can actively pursue it. Until next time, take good care of yourself.
You can connect with Damianne on the Changes BIG and small website, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube. You’re also invited to join the Changes BIG and small Facebook community.
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Credits
- Theme music by Rafael Krux. Inspiration on freepd.com. License: CC0
- Cover art image by Tobias Tullius on Unsplash
- Script edited by ChatGPT
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