Why is it so hard to make deep, meaningful friendships as an adult? Kristen “KB” Newton has asked this question one hundred times over. Listen to this second part of our interview to find out how the levels of relationship and the “I”s of connection are related not just to friendships, but to business as well. Also, learn how you can use the single motivator common to all people to get what you want in your life.
KB’s most recent company is HEART Convos. After building this company, she discovered the secret to deep, meaningful friendships as an adult and is eager to share it with you. Sept. 2-4, 2022, KB has a special live event coming up, FRIENDCATION Experience 2022 in Indianapolis. Learn more at https://www.friendcationexperience.com/.
You can listen to part one of the interview, How to Move between the Levels of Friendship using the Five “I”s of Connection, here.
We recorded this episode on June 3, 2022.
Contact and follow KB on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Clubhouse or TikTok. Her website is https://heartconvos.com.
You can connect with Damianne on the Changes BIG and small website, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube. You’re also invited to join the Changes BIG and small Facebook community.
I literally built my business like I tell people to build their relationships.Tweet
Timeline of the Chat
03:18 – Heart Convos Coaching Program 08:05 – The Five “I”s in Business
10:11 – Attracting What You Want in Your Life
11:30 – How to change whatever you don’t want in your life
12:28 – When You Need a Coach
13:51 – The singular motivator for everyone
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If you continue to really help people like showing people you can help them by really helping them, people will not just love the work that you do but they will like you.Tweet
People, they want to thrive, they want to survive, but they also have to feel like surviving and feel like thriving to do the work.Tweet
Transcript of the Episode
[03:18] Heart Convos Coaching Program
[03:18] Kristen KB Newton: And so I have lots of coaches. I have two coaching programs. I have a high level coaching program, a lower ticket coaching program where I essentially give people the opportunity to walk alongside of me. And so what I’ve done is I’ve created some spaces to just invite people to walk alongside me in community with other people. And what we do is we meet about two or three times a month, once a week. And in that space, we talk about whatever the focus is of that day. But there’s accountability.
People are like, this is what I’m seeing in my own life. For example, this most recent meeting we had, we talked about the power of the north star. North star is something that I teach where I’m like, hey, if you don’t have a north star a thing that is guiding you in every decision that you make in life and not just your faith or what you believe, but really like the thing that is what you would do for free, what you might pay somebody to do for the rest of your life, because it is what creates life for you. You’re like, if I’m not doing this thing, life is not worth living. We help people discover that, and then we’re like, well, how is that looking in your life?
Does your job align with your north star? Do your relationships align with your north star, does your behavior align with your north star, whatever that is. And because I believe that attachment research tells us that the difference between people who have deep, meaningful, healthy, long lasting, life-giving attachments, the difference between those people and people who don’t have that are that one individual has made the decision to know themselves fully, to attach healthily with themselves. You cannot attach healthily with another, into another individual if you are not aware or attached healthy with yourself.
So I have a coaching program that’s a shorter coaching program called the Primary Connection Coaching Program where in that space, all we do is help people align within themselves, but once they’ve done that work, then they get to kind of graduate into what I have called Connection Mastery coaching where it’s like we master connection in this space, not just as an individual in your friendships, but in your marriages and every relationship you come in contact with, how you show up at work, how you lead your teams, how you build your ministry, are you walking in integrity at your job? It impacts every part of your life.
And so the work has evolved from core courses and things that people can do to kind of just teaching basic things to now just inviting people into a community. I honestly believe when you’re thrown in there just to do the work, you either do it or you don’t. But because the coaching programs are high ticket coaching programs, people who are making those investments don’t gloss over the opportunity to show up. Cause like, listen, I paid for this. And I tell people all the time, that’s the reason why I charge quite a bit for my coaching spaces, because I’ll give you everything else for free. We can get on a podcast; that’s free. You can go on the internet; there’s like almost a thousand pieces of content on the internet, things that I’ve done, Ted talks, interviews, articles, all the things.
I’ll give you what ever you want information wise for free. But when a person is ready to, like, I want to live this, I want to become the person I need to become in order to have this bear fruit in my life, I’m like, Okay make the investment. Come into this community and watch what it ‘ll change for the rest of your life. So that’s kind of how the content has evolved in how I approach my work now
[06:08] Damianne President: What’s the best place for people to go to find out more about your work and if they’re interested in working with you.
[06:15] Kristen KB Newton: Yeah. This is probably the time where I should have like a perfect link set up for people and be like, hey, go to this link and you can fill out this application. And, again, some of my work is like that, but if a person listened to this episode was like, hey, I want to walk with you, I want to align with your work and join your community, I would say email me firstname.lastname@example.org. They can just reach out and then we can set up a call like a 15 to 20 minute interest call, see what it is they need. Because honestly, there are a lot of people who have coaching programs and resources for people and no shade to these people, as much as, I need to know that you’re good for me and I’m good for you before I say that this is a good fit.
You can give me, you know 15 grand in hand right now, right? One of my programs is a $15,000 coaching program. And if I don’t feel like I can serve based on just a couple of questions that I ask. I will happily give you back your money. I would hate for you to make the investment and then not reap fruit that will remain.
There’s a verse that I love in scripture that talks about, the Christian is called to go bear fruit that will remain. Well, the truth is fruit doesn’t remain. I don’t know anybody’s fruit that remains. Fruit dies within like three days. I’m like, what is this? What is this fruit that will remain, this poetic language? What does all that because it make no sense to me?
So fruit that will remain, it is a special kind of fruit. It’s not just this outward fruit. It’s an internal fruit that remains; it’s consistent. Money comes money goes, but if you make an investment, you want to see the fruit from that investment. And so I need to ask a couple of questions first to see where the person is in what they’re looking for.
I might be a good next step for them based on where they are in the journey. Or I might not be the next step yet, or I just might not be a good fit alltogether. And so I can’t always tell that from an application, which is why I’m not always quick to be like, yeah, just go fill out these questions and I’ll know.
[08:00] Damianne President: You’re working in the relationship space and so that’s being in integrity, right?
[08:05] The Five “I”s in Business
[08:05] Kristen KB Newton: You see that? And listen, this is so funny… I have people that I coach in business, which is another separate arm. I do so much; it’s a mess. But we’re raising up coaches now, which is really exciting. But in the coaching space, I tell people all the time, I’m like I literally have built my business around how I live my life. If the two were different, if I had a different standard for how I live when I wasn’t doing business and the standard that I did businesses by was different, I would literally be divided with them myself. I wouldn’t be able to stand. It’s like the house divided within self will fall.
I can’t act like something matters over here and doesn’t matter over here. And so I literally built my business like I tell people to build their relationships.
I’ll just give you all the sauce. Here’s some tips for how you can build your business. You have strangers, right? People that you don’t know, your client. You don’t have clients yet, right? You don’t have customers yet. What do you need to get customers? You need to give them information, let them know that you have something that they need. When you let them know that you have something that they need, they then can gather as much information, whether it be a lead generator or free content or your social media page or your podcasts like, oh, we really like them. Okay.
We loved it. Okay. I feel comfortable enough investing whatever that investment might be. I am comfortable investing in giving you my email for this free download. I’m comfortable buying your $27 thing. Oh, I’m comfortable buying your $2,000 course, whatever it might be. You have to provide enough information for somebody to feel comfortable to invest, and then you have to deliver.You can’t just sell somebody something, and then it’d be garbage. So then they got to get in there.
They got to get a return on their investment, right? They got to garner that interest once they’ve gotten it, that interest. If you continue to really help people like showing people you can help them by really helping them, people will not just love the work that you do but they will like you. They will attach to you and that’s where that intent comes.
I have people right now in my space who literally have bought every single thing I’ve ever created and are waiting for me to create something else so they can just buy. I actually have an event coming up labor day weekend. This is actually the first place I’ve actually said it out loud. We have a teaser and a trailer and all this stuff coming out this week. And the event is labor day weekend, September 2nd, third and fourth. And people are like, hurry up and put the signal sale so I can buy next thing. And I just think it’s so funny that again, that’s how it also works in your relationships.
[10:11] Attracting What You Want in Your Life
[10:11] Kristen KB Newton: Like when you’re doing the things that I’ve kind of been talking about, people are lining up to do life with you versus the people who are asking, you know, like how do you make friends , where can you find like… People will be attracted to you if you just do these things. If you plant the seeds, you will bear this fruit and you will attract the people who like to eat that fruit. But if you’re planting seed the pettiness or planting seeds of isolation or cancel culture or whatever…
[10:36] Damianne President: pretend disinterest
[10:38] Kristen KB Newton: Right. Pretending.
[10:40] Damianne President: which is what a lot of do. When they they want relationships but pretend they don’t care about them.
[10:44] Kristen KB Newton: Exactly or the other side, people who are acting like they care more about the relationships than they do. Then they attract people who are acting like they care more about the relationship than they do. And then they’re mad because they actually really liked that person that time. So yeah, you attracted somebody with proceeds that you were planting. That’s just farmer’s law. You reap what you sow. But the other thing is that you don’t just reap what you sow, you reap more than you sow. Always.
I don’t know anybody who ever planted the seed and got one thing back, but you don’t plant an apple seed and get one apple. So you’ve planted that seed. You reap what you sow, you reap more than you sow. But the third piece is that you always reap later than what you sow.
So we can sometimes deceive ourselves into thinking that, oh, this decision I’m making today doesn’t matter because I don’t see an immediate fruit from it. And it’s like, no, no, no, it will come back to you. This is encouraging.
[11:30] How to change whatever you don’t want in your life
[11:30] Kristen KB Newton: Listen, if you don’t like the way that your life looks, your relationship looks, your business looks whatever, any area of your life, right, your mindset, anything, then this is what I would encourage you to do.
I would encourage you to start planning different seeds. And the way that you can do that is find a coach, a mentor, a top layer, somebody who is smarter than you, who’s done more than you, is further along on the journey. Pay them as much as they charge and do exactly everything they say. That’s what I would encourage you to do.
[11:57] Damianne President: That’s the key. Do everything they say.
[11:59] Kristen KB Newton: Exactly like pay whatever it is and do whatever they say. Now, if they’re a good coach, then whatever they tell you to do, isn’t going to make sense to you because if it made sense to you, you’d already be doing it. So if you’re being coached by somebody who telling you everything that you want to hear, I’d fire them immediately because coaches, leaders, mentors don’t just pander, pat us. They challenge us, they push us, they stretch us. They tell us to do one more set when we feel like we’re about to collapse. They say you can walk one more step when you feel like you about to faint. That’s what the coach does. That’s what I do.
[12:28] When do You Need a Coach
[12:28] Kristen KB Newton: If you were looking for somebody, like you just need a friend and a buddy, me and KB can be friends. I’m like, no, no, no, no, you don’t want to pay me $15,000 do that. We can just talk on Instagram, like just DM me and if I get to it, I’ll get to it. But if you really are like, no, no, no, I need someone who’s going to help me get unstuck, who’s going to get me out of the rut that I’m in, is going to move me to the next level of my life, okay, then it doesn’t have to be me. Find somebody who’s doing whatever it is you want and pay that person however much they charge and do whatever they say.
[12:59] Damianne President: Yeah, it’s funny. I was just interviewing somebody else earlier this week. He was talking about he used to mentor people and he doesn’t do it anymore because they just didn’t do what he said. And so it was frustrating for him and it was frustrating for them because they didn’t get results. And he felt like he was wasting his time. So what you’re saying really resonates, and I think that’s key for people.
I’ve spent money, for example on different things, or I did not do the course or I did not do the activity. And guess what? I’m no smarter.
[13:27] Kristen KB Newton: You did not get the results.
[13:27] Damianne President: Exactly. But in the things where I did spend money, or even sometimes there were free things where I actually did the work, I can see, oh, wow. I didn’t know I was capable of that. Look at what I did here. And it’s really because I trusted somebody else to help me build that vision that I didn’t yet know was even possible.
[13:51] The single motivator for everyone
[13:51] Kristen KB Newton: Yeah, my coach says this all the time. My coach, his name is Myron Golden. He teaches wealth principles and he says all the time that, you know, people do things for one reason and one reason only; we are singularly motivated people. And I’m like, okay, well, what is that? He’s like, we do things because we feel like it period, period.
So the reason why you don’t do the work is because we don’t feel like it. But something else he always says is he says the heart is what follows the pocketbook. He told me when he first started working with me, Kristen, you are doing people a disservice not to charge them a lot of money to work with you, which sounds arrogant and ridiculous. However, I have spent enough years doing what maybe this gentleman you spoke with does, and that is helping a lot of people and not asking them to invest, which is a one-sided relationship if we’re going back to the five levels of connection.
You’re asking for return on something that you didn’t actually make an investment for. And we know that the investment should match the risk reward thing. It’s kind of like you take a little bit of risk, you’d probably get a little bit of a reward. But the greater the risk, the greater the reward. And so that’s why for me, I’m just like, hey, you want just conversation, know-how tips, tricks, whatever, that’s stuff is free. There’s so much content online you can get for free. I’m not holding anything back. I’m going to give you as much gold as I possibly can.
I also know that even though I’m giving you a wealth of knowledge, unless you know how and what to do with this, it’s not going to bear the fruit in your life necessarily that you might want to see. So you might just need some help. Then I’m like, well, hey, when you’re ready to do that, you have to invest because your heart will follow your pocketbook.
But the stuff that doesn’t cost you anything, you don’t care nothing about. But just think about the things that you’ve worked for in life. You saved up for that thing. You were like, you know what, I want the thing, I’m going to work for it, I’m going to save up, I’m going to put money aside, I’m going to do whatever it takes to get it. You value it more. You cherish it more.
Same thing with the relationships. I worked for her love. I worked for his respect. I worked for whatever, like you cherish it more when you get it. Whereas the things that don’t cost you nothing, it’s like it’s not gonna cost you to lose it. That’s why people walk away from the relationship so easily. And people will also walk away from a course and content. And so if I was coaching that gentlemen, I would say raise your prices.
Really, mentoring is different from coaching. But you know, if you’re coaching people and you’re a coach and you realize your people aren’t doing the work, it didn’t cost them enough to get in the space.
[16:11] Damianne President: I get that. I mean, I want to learn Portuguese and I figured that I would buy an app because that would help motivate me. And I don’t want to waste my money. And I bought the app maybe three months ago. And how many times have I opened it? Once.
[16:26] Kristen KB Newton: How much does the app cost?
[16:28] Damianne President: 130 bucks or something like that?
[16:30] Kristen KB Newton: Okay. So you’re you say, alright, I want to learn a new language. The thing about learning a new language, especially as an adult, it’s a lot harder to learn. We kind of already have our thing going. That kind of thing, I think, would cost more or there would have to be a circumstance in your life that was relying on you. And this is also the motivation because money is not always the motivation Right? Sometimes it has to, again, you’re like, if I don’t learn Portuguese, I’m not going to survive in this country, so this is someone who just got dropped in Portugal. Like, oh, I have to learn the language I’m here for the next six months. Guess what you’re going to do. Figure it out every day. You didn’t pay a dime, like you’re just there. But because it’s your livelihood is depending on it you’re like, if I don’t figure this out, I’m not going to be able to thrive here. And again, that’s the thing. People, they want to thrive, they want to survive, but they also have to feel like surviving and feel like thriving to do the work.
[17:29] Damianne President: I think that will definitely resonate with people because watching one more episode of Netflix, when you could be working out, going for a walk, everything else, absolutely, you’re doing it because you want to do it more than you want to do anything else right now.
[17:42] Kristen KB Newton: And that’s a whole nother conversation about your subconscious mind and your conscious. When people ask themselves like, man, why do I get stuck in the world? And we all do it. We get stuck in the wormhole of swiping up; we thought it was gonna be one video and then that led you to 17 other videos. And then you go back and be like, how do I even get here? Same thing I’m just gonna watch this one episode, six episodes later that were 45 minutes long each, like what happened? It’s because you were programmed to do that. I’ll just say this last thing cause again now the conversations turned from friendship to business. It all has everything to do with connection.
[18:17] Damianne President: I’m going to name this episode why you need a coach?
[18:20] Kristen KB Newton: Why you need a coach, right? Listen, I’m telling you, if you think about why people fail and succeed, I’ve learned through several books that I’ve read through my coaches, that people who succeed are not trying to succeed any more than people who fail are not trying to fail. Neither one of them is trying to fail or succeed. They just are failing or they are succeeding. The question is how is that happening?
It’s because their mind is programmed to fail or their mind is programmed to succeed. And so the question then becomes, well, how the heck do you program your mind to succeed? Great question. That’s where you have to do your own work and one just figure out what your brain is already programmed to do, which again, in the spaces that I’m in, people can discover that stuff. And then from there, you’re like, okay, well, what would it take to succeed? Then you figure that out. But guess what? That’s not even the work.
The work is in discovering what it takes to succeed. It’s now figuring out how do I make that something that I do unconsciously everyday. We unconsciously open our phones, get on social media stars. We unconsciously fall into the bed and unconsciously get on Netflix. Whereas to go to the gym, we have to absolutely plan it. We have to put on several alarms; we have to get some accountability because it’s not automatic.
You have to get to a place where the things that you want in life become automatic for you, like, this is what I do automatically. I go to the gym because it’s just a part of how I live, breathe. But there are specific things that have to be in place in your life, in your mind, in your speech, in the way that you think, in what you say that feed into your subconscious mind and help to change your subconscious mind, because your subconscious mind has been there your whole life. And it was shaped mainly when you were younger.
Now as an adult changing your conscious mind is almost like trying to learn another language. Again, either a circumstance is going to make this like, you know, or something in your life is going to put you to that point. For some people, it doesn’t. They just kind of hit where they hit. They settle in and that’s it. So that’s a whole nother conversation for another day, but again, if a person is interested in like, hey, I got to connect to this girl, you know, I want to walk with her. I want to be in her space so that can just learn how to communicate and connect with the highest levels in my relationships and my business and all these other areas, then again, just email me at email@example.com like, hey, I heard you on the Podcast. I want to be a part of your coaching program and we’ll see what we can do.
[20:34] Damianne President: I noticed that in a lot of your work, you talk about frameworks, that people need frameworks. And I’m thinking as you’re talking that part of the reason that frameworks are so important is because they help us interrogate and change some of those unconscious habits.
[20:48] Kristen KB Newton: Looking at you. You got it. You on it, you on it. Look at you putting the pieces together. Yeah.
[20:54] Damianne President: The four types of friendship is already an example of framework, but we did not get more into this conversation because our time was up for the interview. As KB said, she has lots of great material online. And so I hope that you will go and explore and learn about her work. And how to have stronger, or even a variety of different types of connections to meet your needs in your life.
The work is in discovering what it takes to succeed. It’s now figuring out how do I make that something that I do unconsciously everyday.Tweet
You have to get to a place where the things that you want in life become automatic for you.Tweet
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