Discover What You Truly Want

Introduction

What have you discovered so far about being a friend to yourself? So far in this series, you’ve looked at what it means to be a best friend, assessed how well you’re being a friend to yourself, and learned some strategies for empowering yourself to build self-intimacy.

Now that you’ve gotten to know yourself better, it’s time to get more vulnerable. It’s time to reveal your deepest desires to yourself. We want to look at your desires because they are a true guide to what will help you feel fulfilled.

In this episode, you’ll learn to recognize, honor, and act on your desires so that they can help you build a richer life, a life that resonates with you deeply.

Deepening Self-Understanding

In episode ??, Kim Ades asked What do you really, really want. Have you ever asked yourself that? What comes up for you? Do you immediately run away by thinking “I don’t know?” Do you think that you need to find it? Maybe you talk to other people to see what they think you should want.

The invitation I want to extend to you is to sit with the question: “What do I want?”. If the two really are daunting, remove them. Make your own heart flutter by dreaming, by listening to your core.

Here are some cousins of this question:

• What stirs my heart?
• What dreams have I set aside?
• What want or wish have I been pushing down inside myself?

This is where you may want to use the strategies we’ve talked about before. If you start getting anxious from this question, go for a walk out in nature or practice some self-care or central nervous system regulation through deep breaths.

If you find it hard to answer the question, journal your thoughts or meditate on your feelings. Sit quietly with the question and don’t force any answers. Dream a little. Listen internally and see what comes up for you. Keep doing this, every day, for example, every morning. You could even talk it out in a voice note to yourself. I want to emphasize the point that you can give yourself some space. This is just for you. You may want to discuss some of this with your partner or someone else that’s important in your life afterward but don’t shortcut the process and don’t abdicate the choice to someone else. This process is not about quick answers but about the slow revelation of your internal landscape. It’s a rewarding experience if you let yourself experience it.

So engage in some intimate self-reflection. Consider the moments when you’ve felt most alive, most ‘you.’ These are clues, breadcrumbs that you can follow deeper self-knowledge. You can follow these breadcrumbs to find your way.

Identifying and Honoring Desires

As you understand yourself better through reflection and start to realize more of what you want, you start to build your capacity to dream. Now, you can try dreaming without limits. Ask yourself:

If there were no constraints, what would I yearn for?

Here are some prompts to help you reflect and to stimulate your imagination:

1. Ideal Day Exercise: Describe in detail what your perfect day would look like from the moment you wake up to when you go to bed. What activities are you doing? Who are you with? How do you feel throughout the day?
2. Passion Exploration: When do you feel in flow? What activities make you lose track of time? Write about experiences when you felt completely absorbed and why they are so engaging.
3. Living from Purpose: Reflect on moments when you felt your life had a clear purpose. What were you doing? What made those moments feel meaningful?
4. Gratitude for Desires: List out things, both big and small, that you deeply desire and express gratitude for each. How do these desires reflect your true self?

I’ve shared before that I’m not good with visualization but rather, I tend to imagine.

Guided Visualization:

• Begin by finding a comfortable, quiet space. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to center yourself.
• Visualize a path in a serene environment, perhaps a forest trail or a beach. As you walk, imagine doors along the path, each representing different aspects of your life – career, relationships, hobbies, health.
• Open each door and observe what’s inside. What activities, people, or experiences do you see? How do they make you feel?
• Pay attention to the emotions and sensations that arise. Allow yourself to explore each door with curiosity, without judgment.
• After exploring, find a space to sit down within your visualization. Reflect on what you’ve seen and how it aligns with your passions and purpose.
• Take a few more deep breaths before gently opening your eyes, carrying these insights back into your reality.

Dreaming, imagining, visualizing – all of those can be fun. No one needs to know but yourself. No one will judge you. Whether you do the activities I shared here or others that you like, let your imagination roam freely, and as you do, notice how you feel. What excites you, makes you smile? Are the times when you feel at peace? These emotions are information for you too.

Write these desires down, no matter how grand or small they may seem. This act of recording is a way of honoring them, of saying ‘I see you, and you matter.’ Remember, honoring your desires isn’t about immediate action or drastic changes. It’s about acknowledging them, giving them space in your life. It’s a tremendous act of freedom.

Some of your might be actionable now, while others might be for the future. The key is to keep these desires in your awareness, allowing them to influence your choices and guide your path.

So, embrace this process of discovery. It’s a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself even better.

Strategies for Pursuing Desires:
It gives you the chance to start actively pursuing your desires. This is where you can start being intentional about the life you live by transforming your dreams into reality.

First, I want to emphasize that not all desires are equal. I may think it sounds exciting to be a nomad and have no permanent address while chatting with someone who does that, but it’s not a deep-seated desire for me. It’s actually the opposite, while I enjoy travelling, I want somewhere to call home. So when you’re considering pursuing your desires, consider whether it’s a temporary longing or something that deeply resonates with you, a core desire.

For example, you may have a longing to attend parties but your core desire may be to build one or more meaningful, deep connections.

Or maybe you have a longing for a higher salary but your true desire is to be able to be able to provide for your family.

Notice what stems from a longing for external validation rather than for true fulfillment.

Once you’ve identified your core desires, this is the fun part. You get to start taking steps towards them. Set specific, achievable goals. Make the steps as small as you can so that they are manageable and less overwhelming. Remember our motto here, that change begins with one small step.

Once you have a list of small steps, you can create a plan of action. This might involve setting time aside regularly, like every day or every week to work on your list of actions. Or you might find that you need to adjust some aspects of your current lifestyle to better align with your goals.

Finally, embrace flexibility. As you grow and evolve, so too might your desires. Allow yourself the freedom to adapt and change course if needed. After all, the pursuit of desires is not rigid. Rather, it’s a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

I want to acknowledge that discovering and pursuing true desires often brings fear and doubt.

You may experience:

1. Fear of Failure: The worry that you might pursue a true desire and not achieve it. You can overcome this fear by reframing failure as a learning opportunity and a normal part of the growth process.
2. Doubt in Self-Worth: Questioning whether you deserve to achieve your desires. You might also worry about other people’s judgment. Combat this by practicing self-affirmation and reminding yourself of past successes and strengths. You are worthy by virtue of being human.
3. Fear of the Unknown: Anxiety about stepping out of your comfort zone. Address this by taking small, manageable steps towards the desire, gradually building confidence.

To overcome these fears and doubts, it’s crucial to cultivate a strong support system, either through like-minded individuals, mentors, or a community. You really only need one person, although you can do that for yourself if you need to, as we’ve been discussing about being your own best friend. Regular self-reflection, mindfulness, and celebration can help maintain focus and clarity on the journey towards fulfilling your true desires.

As you navigate the pursuit of your desires, remember to celebrate each step you take towards them, no matter how small. These steps, these moments of progress, are the building blocks of a life that truly fulfills you.

Integrating Desires into Daily Life:
As you think about your desires and pursue them, you’ll also need to navigate the practical aspects of your daily life. This balancing act involves integrating your aspirations with your current responsibilities and circumstances.

To achieve this balance, start by assessing your current commitments and time availability. Look for opportunities to remove the things that are not important to you from your existing schedule and to add pursuits related to your desires. At the start of each week, look at your schedule and see where you can incorporate your action plan.

It’s also vital to set realistic expectations. Don’t try to do everything at once. Prioritize based on what feels most pressing or feasible and consider the resources you have at your disposal. Depending on how much time you have, for example, you might want to start with a smaller goal that aligns with your desires and gradually work towards a larger one. It’s a good idea to start with one thing at a time. Then, you could change your focus, or start working on another action plan as well.

Let’s consider some examples:

1. If you’re a working parent who has a desire to pursue further education, you may need to allocate time during weekends, early in the morning, or late at night to study.
2. If you want to take intensive language courses, you may need to negotiate flexible hours at work or explore remote work options to have enough time.
3. If you desire to be healthier for better longevity, you’ll need to prioritize fitness and healthy eating. This may mean changing how often you eat out or what you cook.
4. If it’s important to you to volunteer and to support local farmers, you may want to schedule volunteering on Saturday afternoons while leaving the morning available to go to the market.

If you pay attention and are deliberate, your choices will reflect your core desires.

Remember, the pursuit of desires is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s about making consistent, incremental progress while maintaining the other important areas of your life. But not everything has to be pursued. Stay patient and flexible, adapting as needed while keeping your ultimate goals, those core desires, in view.

Engagement and Practical Challenge:
As you set out to fulfill your desires, it’s natural to encounter barriers. We’ve already discussed internal barriers like self-doubt, but you will also face external ones. I’ve touched on those in the examples of integrating desires into daily life, but let’s list them explicitly. I’ll go through 5 of them.

1. Time Constraints: Balancing existing commitments like work, family, and study time with pursuing new goals.
2. Social Expectations and Cultural Pressure: Navigating societal norms or expectations from family, peers, or culture that may not align with your personal desires.
3. Geographical Limitations: Living in a location that doesn’t offer the opportunities or environment needed to pursue your desires or interests.
4. Economic Factors: Economic downturns or personal financial obligations can impact your ability to pursue certain goals.
5. Regulatory or Legal Constraints: Facing rules, regulations, or legal barriers that limit your access to resources, professions, or activities related to your aspirations.
6. Market Conditions: Job market fluctuations or industry-specific challenges can make it difficult to achieve certain desires during particular timeframes.
7. Access to Education or Training: Certain desires may require specific skills or education that might not be readily accessible

These hurdles can seem daunting. But breaking down your action plan into the smallest action possible will help you overcome these obstacles. That will make the journey less overwhelming and more achievable.

Embrace flexibility in your approach. Life is unpredictable, and being adaptable allows you to navigate changes without losing sight of your goals. If one path to your desire becomes blocked, look for alternative routes. Remember, even very small actions lead to incredible results over time. Every step towards your dreams makes them a little bit more real.

I want to also remind you not just to celebrate progress as I’ve already said here and in other episodes, but also practice self-compassion. Understand that progress is not always linear, and setbacks are part of the journey. Each step, even the smallest one, is a move in the right direction. Stay patient and persistent, and remember that the pursuit of your desires is a journey of self-discovery and personal fulfillment.

I invite you to commit to one action this week that aligns with your desires. Whether it’s setting aside time for a passion project, seeking resources for a new venture, or simply taking a small step towards a long-held dream, let this action inspire you to commit to your desires. Share your commitment and experiences with our community. Let’s inspire and support each other in turning our aspirations into reality.

Conclusion and Next Episode Teaser:

As we close this episode, remember that pursuing your true desires isn’t just about achieving goals; it’s about living a life that resonates deeply with who you are. Each step towards your desires is a step towards a more authentic and fulfilling life, a life that you really want.

Next time, we will dive into ‘The Role of Relationships in Personal Growth.’ We’ll explore how our relationships shape us and how our personal growth journey influences our connections with others. We’ll be expanding on our exploration of self-discovery to our interactions with the world around us.

You can connect with Damianne on the Changes BIG and small website, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube. You’re also invited to join the Changes BIG and small Facebook community.

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Credits

• Theme music by Rafael Krux. Inspiration on freepd.com. License: CC0
• Script edited by ChatGPT