How to Accept Your Body’s Imperfections

So tell us a little bit about yourself. Let’s start with what do you like to do for fun?

Beverley Mapagany: [01:49] What I do for fun is I watch soccer. I recently joined a reading club. So I like to read a lot recently. And then I’m also, I don’t know if it’s fun or hobby you or a lifestyle. I gym a lot.

Damianne President: [02:08] Okay. You work out lot. 

Beverley Mapagany: Yes 

What’s the last book that you read that had a big impact on you?

Beverley Mapagany: [02:17] The last book I read was Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis where she talks about it’s okay not to be perfect, like it’s okay to be a mother, a girlfriend or fiance, or a wife who’s not perfect, as long as you’re doing your best. That made a big, big impact on my life.

Damianne President: [02:37] You have struggled with your own physical appearance and that’s something that you’ve shared on Instagram as well. Would you share with the audience about that?

Beverley Mapagany: [02:48] Yes. So growing up, I grew up here in South Africa in a very small, united village where everyone was loving, was peaceful and. I didn’t notice any difference with my hand compared to other kids or other people. So I grew up as a normal kid as outgoing, playful, and also at home, they treated me as normal.

I used to wash dishes. They made me wash my shirts or whatever small chores that I had to do at home like any other kid would do. So not even a bit I was treated differently. There was no unfair treatment even as a result of my hand; I never felt it until I moved to the city. It’s the big city of Howthing, South Africa. So I had to start a new school there in grade 10. It was first day at school. As a normal kid as I had taken myself to be, I entered the class with no expectations. When I looked at the faces of other kids, they were shocked at my hand. Before anything else, they started throwing questions at me. Why is your hand like that? From that day, that question started ringing in my head, like, why is my hand like that?

I couldn’t answer that question because I was never prepared to answer that question, let alone being aware that I was different. I knew I was different, but I was not aware that it will be to that extent that people would get shocked looking at me. From that day I decided, you know what, I’m going to hide my hands to avoid uncomfortable looks or even questions.

So I started hiding my head until right up to university I I hid my hand from my classmates, from everyone.

Damianne President: [04:46] So when you grew up, where you an only child, or did you have siblings?

Beverley Mapagany: [04:52] I have siblings. I grew up at my maternal grandmother’s house. I’m firstborn to my mother and my my father and there are three siblings that come after me. But then it was only me and the sister that comes after me and then there was my aunt, my uncles and their children.

So we grew up in that setup where there were three generations under one household we have a very big family.

Damianne President: [05:19] Okay. I was asking that because I was wondering about not standing out and not being treated differently. So you definitely had siblings and you didn’t notice that they were being given different chores

Beverley Mapagany: [05:30] I didn’t a and there were a couple of other children as well,so yeah.

Damianne President: [05:36] In terms of your hand, you were born with missing fingers, is that right? 

Beverley Mapagany: [05:40] Yes, I was born like this. I was born with missing fingers and my right hand deformed like this. 

 Damianne President: [05:47] You already mentioned that you were not treated differently by your family. Were there accommodations that you made for yourself without even thinking about it? Did you notice a difference in the way that you used your hands?

Beverley Mapagany: [06:00] My mother tried to teach me holding a pen with my right hand, but she saw that it wasn’t possible. So obviously I had to use my left one. And then also the difference that I noticed while I was still a kid at school, when I started learning how to write, how to count, I notice that I couldn’t count up to 10 using both my hands. Because people around me were so loving, they treated me as a normal kid, that didn’t click into my mind that much. So I made peace with that very quickly.

Damianne President: [06:35] I’m curious, besides pointing out your hand, what else did people do at school or in the past that made you feel different or not normal or something?

Beverley Mapagany: [06:51] The other thing is I would hear people’s describing me as that girl with two fingers. So that used to be my label to other people, that girl with two fingers. Sometimes when they talk about me or a person wants to know more about me, instead of describing me with any other feature, it was easy for them to say that girl with two fingers so people would recognize or recall who am at.

Damianne President: [07:19] You’ve been able to think back about that experience and you’ve over time, you’ve removed your hands from your pocket. Now you show both hands in your photos. People can see it on Instagram, for example. So there’s been an emergence. There’s been a bit of a journey that you have come on.

Beverley Mapagany: [07:43] it has been a journey.

Damianne President: [07:45] What’s missing the biggest impact for you in terms of being able to feel as if you can now reveal your hand? What happened to make you feel like it’s okay for you to show your hand after hiding it for so long?

Beverley Mapagany: [07:59] Okay. What triggered there is when I was going through some rough patch. Actually I had hit rock bottom, so then I had a lot of questions to ask myself and to find. So one of the things that I ask myself is why am I in this world? Mainly my rock bottom was on the financial side because I was not working; I had lost my job. So I had no income. I was depressed. As firstborn to my family, I was really under pressure. So I asked myself a lot of questions, so if I get a job, what will change for me? And then I discovered that I would still earn income, and then that would be it.

How life will be different from the one that I lived before when I had a job. Then that’s when answers came. There was a voice inside and said, you’re not free with yourself, that’s why you can find answers. That’s why you can find what you supposed to do. That’s why you are only focused on the financial side. You just want to make a living. And then I started to ask myself of questions. So how do I move from just making a living, to not just make life about finding job and surviving. That’s when I discovered that I’m not free with myself. And then where do I go from there? How do I become free with myself? Which area am I not free with, with myself. That’s when I find answers to why was I made or why was I created this way?

 There was a voice again saying maybe it was for a purpose. What purpose then? And then that’s when I found answers to say, okay, for you to be free, for you to find answers to all the questions that you have, start revealing your hand to the society and to the world.

Damianne President: [09:42] You make it sound very easy that you asked yourself some questions, you came up with an answer. What was the process really like for you in terms of what strategies did you use or what processes did you use for you to be able to think about and come up with those answers for yourself?

Beverley Mapagany: [10:03] Okay. It is not as easy as I can explain it. It is not an overnight process for sure. So I struggled also to find answers. As much as I say I asked myself question and answered myself, it was not okay, here’s the question, here’s the answer. It was not like that.

Every day I struggled. The moment I discovered that I was hurting myself by hiding my hand, I said to myself, okay, now that you know what’s holding you back, how you’re going to now walk with your head on the side. People are going to see your now and then how you’re going to explain to them that you’ve been hiding yourself.

 I also struggled with that as well. And then I started reflecting. I started a lot of introspection. I started to say, I’m not doing it for people; I’m doing it for my own freedom before anyone else. I’m doing it for me. 

 It was not easy because still, there were a lot of things ringing into my mind. How are you going to feel accepted by your own self? And then one of the things that I started doing was going to the mirror. I started visiting the mirror and showing my hands myself.

 Hi, Beverly, this is you. And your hand is like this. I said to myself but my hand looks weird. As much as I wanted to accept that, okay. I’m uniquely created, there was this other one saying but your hand is weird. That’s why you’ve been hiding it from your own self. That day, I dropped tears. Then I went to bed. I cried, I got frustrated. 

The following day, I got to the mirror again. I waved at myself with the same hand and then said hi, are you going to accept yourself or what? Still there were these are conflicting voices, one saying you okay the way you are. The other ones say, but the world would judge me for the way you are. And then the other one says, No, but I’m not doing it for the world. I’m doing it for myself, at least first before anyone else.

That’s how I started regular visits to the mirror. Then as time went by, I started to see a very beautiful hand that’s uniquely created. I started telling myself that you were created to stand out. You were not created to be like anyone else. You are you. You are not anyone else.

I started also with affirmations, saying to myself that you are strong, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are confident, you are bold. It was a very emotional journey. It was uneasy at times. I had lots of doubts. I had a lot of tears to cry, and then I had lot of forgiveness to myself to 

Damianne President: [12:45] What inspired you to do that, to go to the mirror and to go through this process with yourself? Where did you get the inspiration that this would be helpful?

Beverley Mapagany: [12:56] The moment I discovered that I was not free, I was not confident, I aggressively wanted to go out of the situation because I was now aware that my hand was holding me back. So, when you are aware of something, you want to change it, you can’t stay in that state forever. I was in this state for too long.

I knew that I was hiding my hand, but I didn’t know the negative impact that it was making. The minute I discovered that this thing held me back from a lot of things, like reflecting back to the opportunities that I’ve lost from having social anxieties, from shying to meet people. I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to be free.

 For me to be free, I had to go through the process. I knew that I had to do something about it. I couldn’t stay in that situation forever. I couldn’t just acknowledge, okay, this is my hand, this is how it is. 

I want freedom. I want to meet people. I want to take opportunities. I want to present myself to the world as I am, as real as I am. Wanting to change is what triggered me to actually go through the process.

Damianne President: [14:05] What does self acceptance mean to you?

Beverley Mapagany: [14:08] Self-acceptance means embracing all parts of you, even those that you can’t change and stop beating yourself over them. If you’re like me with my hands, you know there’s nothing you can do about it. Embrace it; it’s out of your control. Embrace it; it’s yours.

 It’s yours forever; for as long as you live, you’re going to live with it. So what are you going to do about it? It’s either you embrace it or you beat yourself over it.And beating yourself over it comes with a negative consequences. You don’t want to live that life so the best way is to embrace it.

Damianne President: [14:44] What practice do you have, what’s something that you do that you think helps you remain grounded in who you are and in accepting yourself as you are.

Beverley Mapagany: [14:55] Meditation helps me a lot, calms me down. So just lie down and breathe deeply, breathe in and out. Also, I go to a mirror every day, I smile to myself and then I say to myself, remember, you’re a strong, beautiful, amazing, confident and bold. It just makes me feel like everything is okay, the way you’re supposed to be, and you live in the best version of yourself.

Damianne President: [15:23] I did this meditation one time where you had to go to the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself. And it was interesting to me because I actually felt that emotion for myself.

Beverley Mapagany: [15:37] You do, you do. 

Damianne President: [15:38] I don’t know if I ever thought it or expressed it so succinctly, if I ever expressed it actually at all before that. It was quite a powerful experience.

Beverley Mapagany: [15:51] It is, it is. And I’ll never let go of that practice because it helps me a lot, even when I feel ugly. I just go to my room, turn to my mirror and say, you know what, no matter what, no matter how you feeling, no matter how you are currently, you are strong, beautiful, and amazing. 

Damianne President: [16:08] If someone is listening right now and they have five minutes, do you have an invitation or a challenge of something that they can do to take action towards self-acceptance? I think I have an idea of what you’re going to say, but let’s see.

Beverley Mapagany: [16:22] Do you have it? The mirror, obviously. I would tell them to go to the mirror and then show what you’re struggling to accept what you deemed as a flaw. Show it to your mirror. Show it to yourself and say, you know, this was uniquely creates. The fact that is not normal means it is special. So show yourself that part and say, you know what, this was a uniquely created and beautifully created as well, unique and special and that’s what make you.

 The other thing that I’ve recently learned to do is take pictures of my head. I take pictures more than ever before of my hand, like when I’ve done a manicure or whatever. I create a bond between me and it.

Damianne President: [17:15] You’re not hiding it anymore.

Beverley Mapagany: [17:17] i’m not anything anymore so I’m free. So I think that would work for anyone who’s listening as well. Show it to yourself; don’t hide it.

Damianne President: [17:27] That’s such a great test, because I think when we don’t like something about ourselves, when we’re not accepting of some components of ourselves and we’re judging ourselves and thinking that other people are judging us the same way…

Beverley Mapagany: [17:38] And initially you think you’re hiding it to the world but you’re actually hiding it to yourself as well. And that creates some hatred between you and yourself. It creates a kind of a distance between your body part, even though it’s on you. You think you’re doing it for the other people to not see it, but you’re doing it for yourself and so you’re harming yourself.

Damianne President: [18:00] That’s so true because I think we can see that when we take photos, like you’re saying. We might show our right side or left side or put our leg a certain place to accentuate the thing that we like, rather than the thing that we don’t like. And often if we’re not accepting some part of our body, then we don’t want to look at it in photos. We don’t want to post it in photos. 

Beverley Mapagany: [18:24] Exactly what has been happening with me. I’ve always taken photo with one angle.

Damianne President: [18:33] That makes me think that another challenge or invitation for listeners is to think about what are you hiding? What about yourself are you hiding in some way? That might be a clue as to the thing that you’re not accepting about yourself.

As a parent, as a mom, what kind of interactions are you having with your son around the idea or around the topic of self-acceptance? Does that come up in the way that you interact with him?

Beverley Mapagany: [19:06] A lot, because I practice affirmations. Sometimes I just do them in front of him. So he has also learned to say that I’m beautiful, I’m strong. It has made an impact on him because the other day, I heard him talking to his cousin about the other child being lighter than them.

So they were taking how the other child who is lighter; they would describe him as that light kid. 

Damianne President: [19:35] So in terms of the skin color,

Beverley Mapagany: [19:37] Yeah. And then I asked them, why are you calling him that? And then his cousin said because he’s beautiful. And then my son said, are you not beautiful as well?

And then his cousin said, I want to be beautiful. I want to be light like him. And then my son was like, no, you’re also beautiful the way you are, because you were created the way you are. You can’t be like other kids, you know? And then that’s the way I know that I’m teaching him lessons. Also he’s a bit different. What do you call this? His stomach belly is bigger, so his is bigger sowhen he’s wearing especially tight shirts, it’s always showing.

Damianne President: [20:15] Do you mean his navel or his tummy?

Beverley Mapagany: [20:18] Has navel.

So the other day we were talking about the hand. He’s always been asking me about my hand, but I always told him that I was born this way. The other day, he asked me again, why is your hand like this? Why did God make you this way? And I tell him because I’m special to him. He wants me to be outstanding and recognized when he’s looking for me, you know? And then he was like, also God made my navel this way, because he also wants me to stand out. So that’s when I realized that he understands.

Damianne President: [20:56] How old is your son?

Beverley Mapagany: [20:57] He’s turnin 10 in August.

Damianne President: [21:01] Okay. He’s turning 10. So yeah, that’s great that those lessons are sticking it sounds like, that he’s learning the language of self -acceptance and of at least challenging some of the norms around beauty and around acceptance.

Beverley Mapagany: [21:20] My biggest fear with regards to him, always a fear that he would get embarrassed, you know, when he is with friends and maybe I’m with them or they know me. 

 Your mother is like that. Why is your mother like that. But I can tell that he has gotten it. He understands.

Damianne President: [21:40] Yeah, I didn’t even think about that, about that fear of the generational things that you can carry.

What are you focused on at the moment? What’s next

Beverley Mapagany: [21:52] What I’m focusing on is my own healing, my own acceptance and the biggest one is the book that I’m writing about this journey, with the hope and desire to make an impact on other people’s lives and for others also to overcome their insecurities and to be their real selves.

Damianne President: [22:12] That sounds great. At the moment, it’s not very easy for us to travel. If I were to come to visit you, so if I was coming to visit your area, your neighborhood, your town, the nearest city, what would you tell me that I must do?

Beverley Mapagany: [22:26] It’s near to a lot of things. It it’s we are to the airport, to the international airport. Have you never been to the international airport?

Damianne President: [22:36] I have.

Beverley Mapagany: [22:38] I’m very close. I’m about 20 minutes away from the airport. And then the other thing, there’s beautiful malls. So yeah, I love going to the malls and shop.

Damianne President: [22:50] You’re not doing a very good job of convincing me to come visit, I 

Beverley Mapagany: [22:56] Because I was brought up here, I haven’t really thought about why I like it. I grew up here and I had no choice.

Damianne President: [23:04] I’m giving you a hard time but I understand because I’m originally from the Caribbean, from Saint Lucia and people invariably say, Oh, what a beautiful place and why did you leave? And oh, it must be so beautiful. I remember the first time somebody said that I was like, yes, I guess it’s beautiful but it was just home where I grew up. And so, I didn’t think about it in terms of comparing it for its tourism and what it can offer for a visit. It was just my home and my life.

 Now that I’ve asked you this question, I have to think about that question for myself, for the future. But actually, it’s fairly easy in Prague because I’ve had a lot of visitors in Prague. Out of all of the countries that I’ve lived in and cities that I’ve lived in, Prague is the place that I’ve had the most visitors. So I have had to prepare some documents and some information for people in the past of where to go, what they can do and that kind of thing. 

Beverley Mapagany: [23:59] Okay. It sounds interesting. I’d love to visit one day.

Damianne President: [24:03] You’re welcome.

I have one question. So when you went to secondary school, when you went to school and suddenly you found yourself facing people that were pointing out your hand, something that had never been pointed out by anybody else in your community before, do you think that your peers were considering you less than them, less worthy than them, or was that a judgment you were putting on yourself from their questions?

Beverley Mapagany: [24:34] I think looking back on it now, I think first thing they were curious. I mean, if you see something that you normally don’t see, or even it’s a first time that we’ll see, your reaction will be different from the situation where you see something that you see every day. I mean, they’ve never seen a person with a hand like me. Looking back, I justify or rationalize it by saying, you know what, it was fair for them to ask that question, as much as I didn’t like it. I can justify it by saying it was the first time seeing my hand so they were curious why was a hand like this; that was a valid question.

I don’t think the way intending to look down on me or they were trying to be better than me. So that’s also one thing that freed me to say why was I angry, why did I feel put down? These people had never seen a hand like mine so it was normal for them to react that way.

Damianne President: [25:38] I was curious about this because sometimes it comes up in many different areas. I’ve traveled lots of places in the world and sometimes I get stared at. You might say that I don’t stand out except for the fact that my hair is different or my skin color is different than the people around me. And so personally, I always see it like there’s a choice in terms of the story that you make up when you see somebody looking at you, or even when they ask you a question. Is it that they’re thinking you’re inferior? Is it that they’re thinking, Oh, something’s wrong with you? Is it that they’re just curious because they’ve never seen it. And it’s hard for us to know people’s motivations. But we create those stories…

Beverley Mapagany: [26:24] That’s where I say you are your own enemy because you make up the stories for yourself. You conclude that. Oh, why is she asking that question? Why are they looking at me like that. And then you start making the stories in front of you. That’s when the enemies is created inside of yourself. I can start hiding myself to stop them from asking.

Damianne President: [26:45] Before we ended today, is there anything else that you’re thinking about or that I haven’t asked that you would like to make sure that listeners hear before we end?

Beverley Mapagany: [26:56] Yes. I always preach to myself like no matter what I’m going through, one thing that I’ve discovered is I’ve always been my biggest enemy. The enemy has always been internal, not my parents who maybe didn’t think about preparing me for the world, for answering, why is your hand like this? It is not my colleagues. It has not always been the social media with their standards. It has not always been the media magazines who showed way beautiful women that I compared myself with. It was not anyone else, but it was myself because those people that have mentioned I can’t control, I can’t control their judgements. They also have their own issues. They also have their own insecurities. They were not raised the same as me. 

Even though I was not aware or I was not knowing, I conspired with their judgements, I conspired with their negative opinions, I conspired with that uncomfortable thoughts and I decided to internalize that when I had my own to stand on.

 I heard myself say, you know what, those are the worlds that’s external; you can’t do anything about it. They thing that I had to control is me. I didn’t make myself this way and I can’t change it. Even if I could change it, at the present moment, I’m like this. So why can’t I accept myself? That’s what freed me to acknowledge and admin that you were your enemy.

 Then it was easier for me to go inside and say, you know what, we’re gonna let go of this judgments and negative opinions that you have internalized. You’re going to let them go. You’re going to free them. You’re going to tell them that they’re not settling in your mind anymore. And then you’re gonna to see yourself as you are, as beautiful as you are. How the next person sees you is none of your business. 

People will always judge. Even now as free as I am, I have accepted myself as I am, the next person will still see something different. Why? Because they’re not me. They have a different view of myself. So how do I see myself is what matters the most, it’s the only thing that matters, because I am the one who spends the most time with myself.

So think about it. You want to be free regardless of anyone or what anyone else thinks. 

Damianne President: [29:23] Thank you so much, Beverly, for taking time for us to do a second recording..

Beverley Mapagany: [29:32] You’re very calm.

Damianne President: [29:33] Yeah, I’ve been told that before. Well, I hope you have a great rest of the day.

Beverley Mapagany: [29:42] Okay, thank you very much.

Damianne President: [29:46] You’re welcome. You too.

 I hope you’ve enjoyed listening to this episode with me and Beverly. What’s the thing about yourself that you hyper focus on, that you try to hide, that you try to pretend does not exist, or you don’t want somebody else to notice.

 Can you find a way to accept that part of yourself? That’s the challenge. That’s the journey that we’re on together. I’m right there with you. There are things about myself that I do not like that I want to change. And in the meantime, I am in a fight with them. But as I explore this topic, what I’m realizing is that acceptance means recognizing what is. It means being able to sit with what is. It means being able to realize that I am worthy regardless of those imperfections. 

And so we’ll continue exploring this topic over the next few weeks. Today, in addition to Beverly’s invitation to look in the mirror and speak to yourself with kindness, with love. I would also invite you to do some journaling, to do some reflecting, to do some thinking about what is the part of you that you’re hiding away, hiding away from yourself and hiding away from others. Reflect on this and as the weeks go on, I will be sharing some additional invitations, some additional challenges and resources with you so that you can make progress on this journey of self acceptance as well.